funny and serious

downI was reading something the other day that stuck in my brain and made me want to “write it out”.

What’s that saying about never letting anyone determine your self worth? Something like that. I make mistakes. Sometimes the same ones repeatedly. And there are times that I feel like I have imparted grace to others in multiple instances but don’t get that same consideration given back to me when its my turn to screw up. It is what it is.

I am not an inconsiderate person who hurts others intentionally, and it is hurtful when it is insinuated that I am. There are reasons people do the things they do, reasons they act a certain way, underlying causes. That doesn’t necessarily make them right but its a fact. My therapist is always telling me not to feel guilty for my feelings. I have them, they are there, they don’t go away just because I or someone else wants them to. Feelings are feelings and you have them, you can’t help it.

This is not about trying to justify actions or be some sort of martyr figure. I mess up. I say things that I shouldn’t. Lash out when its unreasonable and illogical. I regret it later and am sorry and will say so. And then I try to work on that and improve myself. Therapy is not a cakewalk folks. It is raw, and difficult, and takes guts. And I rehash the same issues over and over again in sessions. But I am trying. I am doing my best. That’s all I can do.

But enough about all that.

My parents sent me and kiddo a package the other day…my mom must be reading my blog because she sent me a journal to log all my dysfunctions. There are quotes throughout, mostly sarcastic which suits my personality, check-boxes to choose your vice for the day and space to write out the crazies. Hysterical. But probably quite useful.

journalThe End.

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2 thoughts on “funny and serious

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  1. I once had someone point something out to me.

    We judge ourselves, based on our intentions. We judge others based on their actions.

    This really let me pause, and think about myself and about others. I found that by giving others the “benefit of the doubt” – maybe by considering what might cause me to do “that” (whatever “that” was) in a good light, would help me to carry less judgment of others.

    It also let me pause and think about how others viewed me based on their reactions. I might be confused as to why someone was upset – as I KNEW I meant well. Yet, I began to understand they couldn’t see that. I also realized that TELLING them, would be useless, after all – they would judge me on actions.

    These realizations helped me rethink many of my actions. Not because I wanted approval, but because I felt that if people were going to be upset with me – I wanted it to be for something I MEANT to do.

    This may be mindless rambling, but it was something that came to my mind to be shared -upon reading your posting..

    Stick to it.. Sometimes we learn the wrong lesson from our mistakes – so we have to repeat those mistakes to learn a new lesson.

    1. I think my brain just exploded a little bit with the “lightbulb moment” you just provided with your comments. One of which is this….”We judge ourselves based on our intentions. We judge others based on their actions.” That is so applicable. Perspective has so much to do with it, and learning from our mistakes (of which mine are many). :/

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