me again, being all deep & stuff

Sometimes I think the Universe is playing a sick joke on me. Either that, or there’s been an epic mistake. That I wasn’t meant to be this person, with this life. That somehow, there’s been a terrible mix-up and I’m someone else who is trapped in this body, this place in time, at this spot on the map.

I don’t know that I was meant to be a mother. It doesn’t come naturally for me and I wonder what on earth I’m doing pretending at it. I’m not stupid enough to assume that I’m the only one who struggles with motherhood, that its easy-peasy for others and just not for me. I know that’s not true. And yet, I wonder if other moms think the same kind of thoughts I do. The what-ifs and the whys and the what-the-hells.

I know for certain that I wasn’t meant to do this job. Or maybe I was at one time but not now. No longer. I’m just biding my time at this desk. But I’m tired of going on about that seemingly hopeless predicament. So very tired of all of it.

I also know that words are just words, its the intent behind them that’s the important thing. And yet, I can’t apologize for how I feel, even if it doesn’t make sense to someone else. It makes sense to me. But I understand that some things that are crystal clear and obvious to me may be completely cloudy and obscure to someone else. Its all in our perspective, our frame of reference. Mine just happens to be that of woman and mom, conflicted as I may be. Thats just the way it is I guess.

People have all sorts of things going on in their lives that even those closest to them don’t realize and couldn’t understand. We all live partitioned lives of some sort and certain people are allowed into certain partitions but not others. (How’s that for analogy/metaphor/whatever?) But you know what I mean? I think everyone is full of surprises like this, both good and bad. We all have the proverbial baggage, some have secrets, some have demons. How we deal with them is the mystery.

I’m obviously in some sort of weird funk, not that you could tell. I’m wearing out the journal lately and wow if it won’t make for some interesting reading for someone someday. Unless I burn it first, which would be the wise thing to do I must say.

I love Dido. I think she’s beautiful, as are her songs and voice. This one is on repeat in my car lately. It either makes me smile ruefully or cry silently. And the very end of the video cracks me up. A nice jolt from the melancholy.

“Life For Rent”
Dido

I haven’t ever really found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologize once again I’m not in love
But it’s not as if I mind
that your heart ain’t exactly breaking

It’s just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

I’ve always thought
that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone
and live more simply
I have no idea what’s happened to that dream
Cos there’s really nothing left here to stop me

It’s just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

If my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

While my heart is a shield and I won’t let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won’t even try
Well how can I say I’m alive

If my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

If my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

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4 thoughts on “me again, being all deep & stuff

Add yours

  1. Finn, you only have one life..so change it until you like it..otherwise it will be too late!!

    no, you don`t know me. and really i`m not in the same exact situation. but i`ve been in lifestyles that were not what i wanted..so i changed..and changed..and learned every time what i want to become more..and used that to change some more. there are so many people that just accept a life they don`t want out of fear of change. don’t do it!

    i like dido too 🙂

    here’s a nice quote..:

    people are strange: they are constantly angered by
    trivial things,
    but on a major matter
    like
    totally wasting their lives,
    they hardly seem to
    notice… (Bukowski)

    hope you`re well, don’t forget to
    LIVE LIVE LIVE!!

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