whatever i want

I love Emily Dickinson. Love her. I was perusing some of her poems today and yep, I definitely love her. She was an intriquing little bird it seems. I like how she sort of shunned society. I wanna do that many days. Today being one of them. Anyway, I bet she was cool.

I’m nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there’s a pair of us — don’t tell!
They’d advertise — you know!

How dreary to be somebody!
How public like a frog
To tell one’s name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

– Emily Dickinson

I have a headache today which I may have already mentioned as I am prone to repeating myself. The past few days have been more stressful than usual. Work stuff, home stuff, just stuff. And I’m holding it in, internalizing it or something (believe it or not), which is not good.

I’m not sleeping well or long enough. I just want to be left alone in a dark room and burrow under my covers in the most comfortable bed in the world (that would be mine).  I’m saving that little fantasy for tomorrow. But today, I had to join the rest of the rats on the interstate and pretend to be a normal member of corporate society. However, I told a coworker that I was invisible for the day. I then donned my Potteresque invisibility cloak and willed no one to speak to me or see me. This plot was an epic failure. I’ll try it again tomorrow because I’m such a hopeful sort.

Somewhat related I guess is the fact that I’ve always been the restless kind and it seems I’m always fighting that tendency. I’m tired of fighting it. I just want to go with it. Wherever the wind blows, as the song says. I definitely shoulda been some sort of hobo. Or at least an Army brat. Is it boredom? Or just me being me? Am I just naturally the bored sort? Nice lot in life I seem to have drawn if that’s the case. Don’t get me wrong, I am fully aware that I have a great life, by society’s standards. And no, I’m not going to list my blessings here, I know what they are and I am grateful for them in my own way. But that’s not to say I don’t wish for more. Or maybe just for different. And if that’s a character flaw, so be it. I’m flawed.

I’ve definitely become a stronger personality as I’ve aged. More bitchy, if you will. I think that’s a good thing. Being the shy, delicate little flower of my youth…well, that kinda sucked. You get run over being that person. People take advantage and you feel like you can never say no. I’m done with that. And it feels good.

So I guess in many ways, I’m growing into myself. Or something. I don’t really know how to word what I mean. Some aspects of myself I like better than I used to and some I like less. I guess that means I’m breaking even. Except the problem is that I don’t want to break even. I want to come out ahead. Preferably in France.

I do believe this is called “navel gazing”. Heh. I kinda like it.

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6 thoughts on “whatever i want

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  1. I think you and I are going through the same things.

    I think Jingle didn’t get it. I think Jingle doesn’t read Emily Dickinson.

    She was also gay, if reports are to believed. She lived a sad, cloistered life, but it didn’t keep her from being somehow comical and humourous

  2. sorry that u don’t feel well,
    everyone has stress and headaches in life, I love the idea that u want to be like your favorite poet Emily Dickinson, I will try to borrow a book and read about her…

    best wishes.

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