You can’t depend on others for your own happiness. Who said that? Someone smarter than me. Such an obvious sentiment but it’s so obvious that it gets missed a lot I think. That thought hit me tonight. Hard. I don’t know. I am just thinkin’ thinkin’. I’m discovering lately that I do this. The depending on others thing I mean. You have to make your own way. How to do that is the question.
Another somewhat related deep thought that came to me, as it often does, is how there are only a few people who really know the real you. And maybe no one really does. I get so tired of faking it. I just mean that I get tired of watching what I say around some people, tired of watching what I do around others, tired of acting the way I’m “supposed” to even when it contradicts who I am, tired of keeping myself in check just to satisfy other people’s expectations of who they think I should be. It’s exhausting and I don’t think is something that can be kept up forever. Eventually a truer self has to come out, right? Or not? One day something has to blow.
But maybe everyone does this, conforms I mean.
I’ve said this before but I envy those people who aren’t afraid to be who they are at all times. The ones who couldn’t give two shits (see, I wanted to cuss right there so I did, dammit) what other people think and refuse to compromise their personalities for anyone else. I don’t know that I’ll ever get there except maybe, (and I stress the maybe), around a couple of people who I trust not to judge me. Those people are few and far between I am finding. And I think that’s really sad and unfortunate.
I’m all introspective and melancholy tonight. This is what happens when you don’t blog for a while folks, you get crazy brain that just spills out onto the screen and takes over.