deep thoughts for a Saturday night

You can’t depend on others for your own happiness. Who said that? Someone smarter than me. Such an obvious sentiment but it’s so obvious that it gets missed a lot I think. That thought hit me tonight. Hard. I don’t know. I am just thinkin’ thinkin’. I’m discovering lately that I do this. The depending on others thing I mean. You have to make your own way. How to do that is the question.

Another somewhat related deep thought that came to me, as it often does, is how there are only a few people who really know the real you. And maybe no one really does. I get so tired of faking it. I just mean that I get tired of watching what I say around some people, tired of watching what I do around others, tired of acting the way I’m “supposed” to even when it contradicts who I am, tired of keeping myself in check just to satisfy other people’s expectations of who they think I should be. It’s exhausting and I don’t think is something that can be kept up forever. Eventually a truer self has to come out, right? Or not? One day something has to blow.

But maybe everyone does this, conforms I mean.

I’ve said this before but I envy those people who aren’t afraid to be who they are at all times. The ones who couldn’t give two shits (see, I wanted to cuss right there so I did, dammit) what other people think and refuse to compromise their personalities for anyone else. I don’t know that I’ll ever get there except maybe, (and I stress the maybe), around a couple of people who I trust not to judge me. Those people are few and far between I am finding. And I think that’s really sad and unfortunate.

I’m all introspective and melancholy tonight. This is what happens when you don’t blog for a while folks, you get crazy brain that just spills out onto the screen and takes over.

Blurg.

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5 thoughts on “deep thoughts for a Saturday night

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  1. Did I write this post? I wonder the exact same things most nights.

    I suspect that your words will resonate with most folks. I’m tired of being the quiet, introspective one and wish I could just let loose sometimes. Of course, I can’t force who I’m not, so I keep on being me. That’s fine though since I’m happy being me even though I rarely feel like I fit in. (Oops. I’m turning this comment into my own post!)

    Anyway, I loved your words tonight.

  2. Interesting post and comments. It all makes me wonder, “Who is the real me (or you)?” This said by a 50 plus year old. Is it the quiet person people expect and “know”? Or, is it that person who occasionally blows? I find I usually don’t like my infrequent blow episodes or me either for that matter, afterwards–even though I finally said what I thought needed saying. Maybe I just don’t say it well enough. I could write it better, but people don’t sit around and wait for handwritten explosions. And some people would use your handwritten diatribes against you. It’s hard to win sometimes.

  3. Hmmm…this one has my mind humming. The real us? I guess really that we have more than one side to us, but one predominates. It’s like being mostly left or right brained. One side dominates, but the other is always there and comes out sometimes. Or maybe we’re like laminated wood–multilayered–the quiet layer, the assertive one, the opinionated, temperamental, introspective, etc. One layer is a little thicker than all the others, however.

    And conformity. Well, that can’t be helped, I guess. I know I’m a blue jeans gal but for certain jobs I must conform to a dress code. I always hate it, but it’s what you do. It’s that way with behavior too, we act a certain way to be polite or civil or christian or whatever. Not bad things but it’s not what we always want to do, being human and all.

    And happiness. I could write about each one of these topics long and ineloquently, trying to get at the meat of them (and couldn’t no matter how hard I tried).

    Thanks for making me think.

  4. I am behind reading your blog but enjoyed catching up with you. I especially enjoyed this one.

    I remember when I turned 40 (just a year ago, LOL, right) I felt a freedom to be me. Don’t know if it was what I was going through at the time or this is common at that age. But like Maw Finn said I still conform, but I look at it that I chose to out of respect not to be liked.

    The more you write about the real you, the more I like getting to know you. I enjoy each of your posts and wish I could write as eloquently as you and your mom.

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