What is the deal? Is it the weather that’s making my beloved laptop run about as slow as a turtle on weed? It’s almost annoying enough to make a girl close it up, open a real live book and do some homework. Almost.
Take notes. For the next five and a half months do not do the following things to me:
1. Say things like “oh you’ll see how it is”, or “you’ll understand someday” while rolling your eyes. I know you are trying to impart your phenomenal parenting skilz to me but it really just makes me want to write on your face with a permanent marker.
2. Touch my belly. I will either hit you in the mouth or rub your belly right back and we’ll see how you like it.
3. Tell me how I look like I’ve gained weight “all over”. Because if you do I will say “I happen to be pregnant, what’s your excuse?” or “At least I’ll lose it in a few months but you’ll always be ugly”, or some such other mature and witty comeback.
4. Tell me about your horrible childbirth experience and how it is going to be the most painful thing in the universe. I will show you pain after I’ve broken both your shins.
That is all.