I have that Adele song stuck on repeat in my head. It’s 4:00 am and I’ve been up for a bit. Kiddo has a cold and is snot breathing and gritting her teeth. As she is in my bed tonight, you can understand why I’m not sleeping well. Poor kid though. I know she feels crappy. I got up and tried to make her blow her nose and slather more Vicks on her but that didn’t go so well and I probably shouldn’t have woke her in the first place. Anyway, I didn’t mean for this entire paragraph to be about my kid’s mucus.

I grabbed my specs and laptop and snuck (is that an official word?) into the kitchen to chug some emergent-c in what is probably a futile effort to keep from getting sick as well. I’m now in kiddo’s room under hot pink blankets covered in peace signs. Because you wanted to know that.

Tomorrow is my Thursday. Yay holiday work weeks. We have the most lame Thanksgiving Day plans ever. Meaning nothing on the day of. Kiddo and I will go my parent’s Friday/Saturday, mainly because we have the extra day to do so, and maybe there will be leftover turkey and dressing or something. The visit will be nice regardless.

Changes are afoot for 2016, graduate school for me being one of them. That’s fodder for a later post but I’m excited and it’s a good thing. Another potential change I’m afraid of jinxing by writing about it, but I’ll know if that happens in the next few weeks. I do love change.

And now I’m sufficiently sleepy so Goodbye readers, and Adele.


The Struggle Bus

I agree with this article, to a point.

Why You’re Depressed and Not Getting Better

I’ve asked myself this very question many times and yet again over the past few weeks. It’s been a very low time. I’ve missed work because I couldn’t get out of bed. I’ve gotten ready for work and then had a breakdown in my garage and ended up crying and sleeping in my car for an hour before going inside and climbing back into bed for the rest of the day, I’ve cancelled appointments, withdrawn from the world and then reached out to friends, cried, curled up, and wished for the world to go away.

It’s a constant question…Why can’t I just be better? I am proactive. I take medication, I see a therapist regularly, I meditate. I’m going to try hypnosis. There are things I know I can do better though. Eat healthier and get more exercise are a couple of extremely important examples that are a particular struggle for me, especially while in a downward turn.

I want to throat punch those who say to me, “just be happy”, “why are you sad”. Because don’t you think I WANT to feel better more consistently? Do you think I, or anyone, WANT this?

I do think depression is a disease, but I also think the author of the above article has a valid point that there are other causes from within and these are things I talk about in therapy. However, my brain is chemically broken. I believe that.

This current downturn seems to be breaking and I’m peeking out from under the gray blanket a bit. It’s a cycle. A cycle that’s always in the back of my mind because it’s not leaving me, it will always return and I’ll be right back under the covers again, withdrawing.

Sometimes the only thing that works for me is to wait it out.

feet frustration

The best laid plans…

CaptureI seem to fail a lot. And this time it’s not even because I’m being lazy or procrastinating or anything like that. Its because I can barely walk in the mornings and throughout the day after sitting for a while, and although the foot pain eases, I can’t go more than 3 miles before I have to stop. At first I thought maybe it was poor circulation, but now I think it’s classic plantar fasciitis. Friends have passed along exercises, stretches, and the recommendation for a special sock thing to wear. I’ll try all that and maybe a doctor appointment, but my imaginary running career, and specifically the October half marathon are fading fast.

It’s to the point where my kid keeps saying, “here mommy, use this”, and hands me a decorative walking stick which only makes me grumble at her and proceed to stubbornly limp through the house without help. Sigh. I blame old age, flat feet, and weight gain. Bleh. Sigh. Bleh. Sigh.

If all my blehs and sighs didn’t clue you in, I’m really bummed. The Accountant asks me why I insist on trying to run over the years when I just seem to always hurt myself and I don’t know. Its just this THING I’ve always wanted to be able to do, but has always eluded me. I don’t look like a runner because I can never stay injury free and/or couch potato free enough to make it part of who I am. I’ve never broken 30 minutes in a 5K or 3 hours in a half. Those were always goals I wanted to achieve but maybe I just need to let them go and move on to something else. So dramatic I know.

There’s always the bicycle I guess. Bleh.

Days 3, 4, 5, and 6

IMG_20150708_181603_263~2I’ve obviously missed a few days of posting so am just going to combine things here to catch up. Never fear for I am still on track y’all.

Day 3 was a cross training day so I did some weights and hopped on the bike at the gym.

Day 4 was a rest day and I totally nailed that one.

Day 5 I actually missed because of some life happenings that screwed up my plans. BUT I am nothing if not flexible and made up for it today (Day 6) by getting in 3 miles on the treadmill, leg and arm weights, and some serious shoveling of gravel out of the bed of a pickup truck for a yard project. BAM.

Tomorrow is a 4 mile run/wog and Week 1 will be history.

Problem: my eating is still HORRIBLE. I’m not really doing this to lose weight though…I’m doing it to be able to run a 1/2 marathon with a PR…but weight loss would be a huge bonus of course. Yet, that aspect is my trouble. I just love junk. Yet I know that eating healthy is a key component of training and you can’t really be successful, much less healthy overall by eating oatmeal creme pies for dinner. But I’m still gonna whine about it anyway.