when your friends have cancer

My friends are sick. Two of them, from completely different circles in my life. I am what they have in common. That, and cancer. Bone cancer, breast cancer. They want to take my friend’s jaw completely off. They’ve already taken part of my friend’s breast.

A singer’s jaw. A mother’s breast. Life is full of shitty irony.

I’m watching them break down but I do not let them see me do the same on such a lesser scale. I send cards, I go visit, I text, I offer to go to doctor’s appointments, to come sit next to them. It’s never enough. For now, it’s 3:30am and all I know to do at this moment is write and cry.

self care

One thing each day that makes me feel good and is good for me. I mean, a box of Little Debbie’s makes me feel good for a minute but I suppose that is unfortunately out of the realm of self care.

Today was early morning meditation. My mind was in epic form, wandering all over the place but that’s kind of the point; to constantly bring it back again and again*. With practice, this gets easier. Consistency is my nemesis in all things but today, this one time, I won.

*semicolons are a mystery to me. I stuck one there because it felt right. So there.

SelfCare021416

2016 so far

…has already had quite a few ups and downs.

The Ups

My dad’s store moved to a new location and it is pretty amazing. Nicer and newer with better parking and facilities. It’s been a stressful time for him but I think things are finally settling down and falling into place.

Hubs had some big/positive things happen at his work that are in his/our favor. I’m sure it means more work and stress on his part but that comes with it.

Kiddo is happy and healthy and had a great Christmas and is doing well in school and dance. She has a lot of friends and loves her teacher. Pretty well-adjusted so far. I may pay for this in the teen years but so far so good.

I am officially a graduate student! Classes started last week and I’m pretty excited. This deserves it’s own post.

I’ve grown a lot closer to and have developed some great friendships with some amazing women at work. They have really been a wonderful support to me lately. It’s interesting because I’ve worked there for a couple of years now and have known these ladies the whole time but just in the past several months have really connected and started hanging out with them regularly.

I have been doing a ton of cross-stitching lately, for gifts and otherwise. I’ll have to post some photos. I find it very relaxing and just plain fun. My mom taught me how as a kid and it’s one of those hobbies I start and stop and eventually come back to.

The Downs

I am trying to find employment closer to home to eliminate the craptastic commute. I had a first and then second interview for a fantastic, exciting job and was really feeling good about it. I didn’t get it and I was crushed. That was/is a hard mental hit and I’m still struggling with it.

In that vein, depression is a real thing already this year. I’m dealing but it is a constant cloud that hangs over me.

I’ve already been to one funeral this year. My sweet sister-in-law’s father passed away.

I can’t seem to get in control of my weight. I’m trying and have friends who are in this with me and are a great help, but no one but me can do it. It can be so discouraging and I just want to sit in bed and eat cake. Yada yada. It’s such a weird thing. The whole body positive movement that seems to be popular these days is great. Loving the body you have now and all that jazz. I’m totally on board with OTHER people loving the body that they have…but not so much me; I don’t love the one I have and I’m not sure how to get there. You can say “I’m happy with my body, it’s beautiful, does all these great things, etc”…but to actually BELIEVE it. Not happening.

The plantar fasciitis is still bothering me. My own damn fault because I didn’t continue with PT like I was supposed to. I have a very self sabotaging mindset and this is a prime example. I do have an appointment for PT this week to start over however. Back on the horse and all that.

So there you have it!

Peas ‘n carrots,
Finn

Hello

I have that Adele song stuck on repeat in my head. It’s 4:00 am and I’ve been up for a bit. Kiddo has a cold and is snot breathing and gritting her teeth. As she is in my bed tonight, you can understand why I’m not sleeping well. Poor kid though. I know she feels crappy. I got up and tried to make her blow her nose and slather more Vicks on her but that didn’t go so well and I probably shouldn’t have woke her in the first place. Anyway, I didn’t mean for this entire paragraph to be about my kid’s mucus.

I grabbed my specs and laptop and snuck (is that an official word?) into the kitchen to chug some emergent-c in what is probably a futile effort to keep from getting sick as well. I’m now in kiddo’s room under hot pink blankets covered in peace signs. Because you wanted to know that.

Tomorrow is my Thursday. Yay holiday work weeks. We have the most lame Thanksgiving Day plans ever. Meaning nothing on the day of. Kiddo and I will go my parent’s Friday/Saturday, mainly because we have the extra day to do so, and maybe there will be leftover turkey and dressing or something. The visit will be nice regardless.

Changes are afoot for 2016, graduate school for me being one of them. That’s fodder for a later post but I’m excited and it’s a good thing. Another potential change I’m afraid of jinxing by writing about it, but I’ll know if that happens in the next few weeks. I do love change.

And now I’m sufficiently sleepy so Goodbye readers, and Adele.

 

The Struggle Bus

I agree with this article, to a point.

Why You’re Depressed and Not Getting Better

I’ve asked myself this very question many times and yet again over the past few weeks. It’s been a very low time. I’ve missed work because I couldn’t get out of bed. I’ve gotten ready for work and then had a breakdown in my garage and ended up crying and sleeping in my car for an hour before going inside and climbing back into bed for the rest of the day, I’ve cancelled appointments, withdrawn from the world and then reached out to friends, cried, curled up, and wished for the world to go away.

It’s a constant question…Why can’t I just be better? I am proactive. I take medication, I see a therapist regularly, I meditate. I’m going to try hypnosis. There are things I know I can do better though. Eat healthier and get more exercise are a couple of extremely important examples that are a particular struggle for me, especially while in a downward turn.

I want to throat punch those who say to me, “just be happy”, “why are you sad”. Because don’t you think I WANT to feel better more consistently? Do you think I, or anyone, WANT this?

I do think depression is a disease, but I also think the author of the above article has a valid point that there are other causes from within and these are things I talk about in therapy. However, my brain is chemically broken. I believe that.

This current downturn seems to be breaking and I’m peeking out from under the gray blanket a bit. It’s a cycle. A cycle that’s always in the back of my mind because it’s not leaving me, it will always return and I’ll be right back under the covers again, withdrawing.

Sometimes the only thing that works for me is to wait it out.

feet frustration

The best laid plans…

CaptureI seem to fail a lot. And this time it’s not even because I’m being lazy or procrastinating or anything like that. Its because I can barely walk in the mornings and throughout the day after sitting for a while, and although the foot pain eases, I can’t go more than 3 miles before I have to stop. At first I thought maybe it was poor circulation, but now I think it’s classic plantar fasciitis. Friends have passed along exercises, stretches, and the recommendation for a special sock thing to wear. I’ll try all that and maybe a doctor appointment, but my imaginary running career, and specifically the October half marathon are fading fast.

It’s to the point where my kid keeps saying, “here mommy, use this”, and hands me a decorative walking stick which only makes me grumble at her and proceed to stubbornly limp through the house without help. Sigh. I blame old age, flat feet, and weight gain. Bleh. Sigh. Bleh. Sigh.

If all my blehs and sighs didn’t clue you in, I’m really bummed. The Accountant asks me why I insist on trying to run over the years when I just seem to always hurt myself and I don’t know. Its just this THING I’ve always wanted to be able to do, but has always eluded me. I don’t look like a runner because I can never stay injury free and/or couch potato free enough to make it part of who I am. I’ve never broken 30 minutes in a 5K or 3 hours in a half. Those were always goals I wanted to achieve but maybe I just need to let them go and move on to something else. So dramatic I know.

There’s always the bicycle I guess. Bleh.