be kind

Differing viewpoints are fascinating aren’t they? Every argument has multiple facets and the people holding steadfast to their positions have different histories, experiences, and reasons for feeling as they do. Variety is the spice of life and makes the world go ‘round, right? If we all thought exactly the same way (or were forced to) it would be quite the boring world, or else an Orwellian one, neither of which are a desirable consequence. Whatever your position, BE KIND.

Thoughts and prayers. Thoughts and prayers. How many times have we heard that phrase in the past few days and after every mass shooting? It’s a nice sentiment but it’s not working; it doesn’t work unless there is real and tangible action behind it. As well, I totally understand the frustration expressed by many of the hypocrisy of sending “thoughts and prayers” to a certain group of people but then passing discriminatory legislation targeting that same group or groups. While thinking, praying, legislating or actually DOING something about it, BE KIND.

People aren’t born with hate in their heart, they are taught it by someone. Hate and racism are learned behaviors. I have always believed that. I’ve also believed that a person’s beliefs and values may change over time as they have more experiences, get to know more people, venture outside of their bubble, and start thinking for themselves. Don’t be a sheep, BE KIND.

In spite of or because of all these things, I have unfollowed a good third of folks on social media because I can’t stomach the one-upmanship that seems to always rise to the surface after tragedies like Orlando or divisive legislation or politics in general. What becomes more important than being compassionate is being “right” and proving the other guy wrong. I completely understand why people like me, those who don’t like to argue, become politically apathetic and frankly, disgusted. Apathetic or not, argumentative or not, disgusted or not, pro-life vs pro-choice, anti-gun vs pro-gun, gay or straight, Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, male or female, penguin or giraffe, we can all BE KIND.

We can also quibble all day long about what constitutes an “assault” weapon vs a “regular” rifle but honestly, I don’t care if it is a Barbie BB gun covered in pink polka-dots. Something is wrong here, so what is the harm in TRYING to make this better? Whether you are a responsible gun-toting citizen or a state representative giving away a gun or two at a community event, it doesn’t hurt you to be kind, compassionate and basically, not a douchebag. My sincere thank you to those who are conscientious members of society and handle their firearms in a sensible and safe manner. Please by all means, keep your guns as it IS your right to do so. But why is it so hard to show some compassion, some heart, and some open-mindedness?

My point in writing this is that all a y’all need to stop being assholes and just…BE KIND.

when your friends have cancer

My friends are sick. Two of them, from completely different circles in my life. I am what they have in common. That, and cancer. Bone cancer, breast cancer. They want to take my friend’s jaw completely off. They’ve already taken part of my friend’s breast.

A singer’s jaw. A mother’s breast. Life is full of shitty irony.

I’m watching them break down but I do not let them see me do the same on such a lesser scale. I send cards, I go visit, I text, I offer to go to doctor’s appointments, to come sit next to them. It’s never enough. For now, it’s 3:30am and all I know to do at this moment is write and cry.

self care

One thing each day that makes me feel good and is good for me. I mean, a box of Little Debbie’s makes me feel good for a minute but I suppose that is unfortunately out of the realm of self care.

Today was early morning meditation. My mind was in epic form, wandering all over the place but that’s kind of the point; to constantly bring it back again and again*. With practice, this gets easier. Consistency is my nemesis in all things but today, this one time, I won.

*semicolons are a mystery to me. I stuck one there because it felt right. So there.

SelfCare021416

2016 so far

…has already had quite a few ups and downs.

The Ups

My dad’s store moved to a new location and it is pretty amazing. Nicer and newer with better parking and facilities. It’s been a stressful time for him but I think things are finally settling down and falling into place.

Hubs had some big/positive things happen at his work that are in his/our favor. I’m sure it means more work and stress on his part but that comes with it.

Kiddo is happy and healthy and had a great Christmas and is doing well in school and dance. She has a lot of friends and loves her teacher. Pretty well-adjusted so far. I may pay for this in the teen years but so far so good.

I am officially a graduate student! Classes started last week and I’m pretty excited. This deserves it’s own post.

I’ve grown a lot closer to and have developed some great friendships with some amazing women at work. They have really been a wonderful support to me lately. It’s interesting because I’ve worked there for a couple of years now and have known these ladies the whole time but just in the past several months have really connected and started hanging out with them regularly.

I have been doing a ton of cross-stitching lately, for gifts and otherwise. I’ll have to post some photos. I find it very relaxing and just plain fun. My mom taught me how as a kid and it’s one of those hobbies I start and stop and eventually come back to.

The Downs

I am trying to find employment closer to home to eliminate the craptastic commute. I had a first and then second interview for a fantastic, exciting job and was really feeling good about it. I didn’t get it and I was crushed. That was/is a hard mental hit and I’m still struggling with it.

In that vein, depression is a real thing already this year. I’m dealing but it is a constant cloud that hangs over me.

I’ve already been to one funeral this year. My sweet sister-in-law’s father passed away.

I can’t seem to get in control of my weight. I’m trying and have friends who are in this with me and are a great help, but no one but me can do it. It can be so discouraging and I just want to sit in bed and eat cake. Yada yada. It’s such a weird thing. The whole body positive movement that seems to be popular these days is great. Loving the body you have now and all that jazz. I’m totally on board with OTHER people loving the body that they have…but not so much me; I don’t love the one I have and I’m not sure how to get there. You can say “I’m happy with my body, it’s beautiful, does all these great things, etc”…but to actually BELIEVE it. Not happening.

The plantar fasciitis is still bothering me. My own damn fault because I didn’t continue with PT like I was supposed to. I have a very self sabotaging mindset and this is a prime example. I do have an appointment for PT this week to start over however. Back on the horse and all that.

So there you have it!

Peas ‘n carrots,
Finn

Hello

I have that Adele song stuck on repeat in my head. It’s 4:00 am and I’ve been up for a bit. Kiddo has a cold and is snot breathing and gritting her teeth. As she is in my bed tonight, you can understand why I’m not sleeping well. Poor kid though. I know she feels crappy. I got up and tried to make her blow her nose and slather more Vicks on her but that didn’t go so well and I probably shouldn’t have woke her in the first place. Anyway, I didn’t mean for this entire paragraph to be about my kid’s mucus.

I grabbed my specs and laptop and snuck (is that an official word?) into the kitchen to chug some emergent-c in what is probably a futile effort to keep from getting sick as well. I’m now in kiddo’s room under hot pink blankets covered in peace signs. Because you wanted to know that.

Tomorrow is my Thursday. Yay holiday work weeks. We have the most lame Thanksgiving Day plans ever. Meaning nothing on the day of. Kiddo and I will go my parent’s Friday/Saturday, mainly because we have the extra day to do so, and maybe there will be leftover turkey and dressing or something. The visit will be nice regardless.

Changes are afoot for 2016, graduate school for me being one of them. That’s fodder for a later post but I’m excited and it’s a good thing. Another potential change I’m afraid of jinxing by writing about it, but I’ll know if that happens in the next few weeks. I do love change.

And now I’m sufficiently sleepy so Goodbye readers, and Adele.

 

The Struggle Bus

I agree with this article, to a point.

Why You’re Depressed and Not Getting Better

I’ve asked myself this very question many times and yet again over the past few weeks. It’s been a very low time. I’ve missed work because I couldn’t get out of bed. I’ve gotten ready for work and then had a breakdown in my garage and ended up crying and sleeping in my car for an hour before going inside and climbing back into bed for the rest of the day, I’ve cancelled appointments, withdrawn from the world and then reached out to friends, cried, curled up, and wished for the world to go away.

It’s a constant question…Why can’t I just be better? I am proactive. I take medication, I see a therapist regularly, I meditate. I’m going to try hypnosis. There are things I know I can do better though. Eat healthier and get more exercise are a couple of extremely important examples that are a particular struggle for me, especially while in a downward turn.

I want to throat punch those who say to me, “just be happy”, “why are you sad”. Because don’t you think I WANT to feel better more consistently? Do you think I, or anyone, WANT this?

I do think depression is a disease, but I also think the author of the above article has a valid point that there are other causes from within and these are things I talk about in therapy. However, my brain is chemically broken. I believe that.

This current downturn seems to be breaking and I’m peeking out from under the gray blanket a bit. It’s a cycle. A cycle that’s always in the back of my mind because it’s not leaving me, it will always return and I’ll be right back under the covers again, withdrawing.

Sometimes the only thing that works for me is to wait it out.