My Mom….Rawkin’ My Socks Since 1975

Happy Mother’s Day to my sweet and spunky mom! When you see my mother, you’ll see a little sprite of a woman, probably rushing to class (although I have never personally witnessed this but am told it happens), reading a book, grading papers, drinking coffee, or writing something clever, witty and touching. But don’t let the small stature and intellectual nature fool you people. This lady is a firecracker and if she gets riled, it is a sight to behold. I love that side of my mom. The one who just cannot stand to hold her tongue any longer and once that point is reached, will leave shocked faces in the wake of her pointed, and sometimes unexpected opinions. Personally, I think she should let that lady out more often.(My father is cringing right now, I’m quite sure).

I like to think I get my sometimes sharp tongue (and getting sharper with age) and opinionated, yet reserved nature from her. I know for a fact that I get my scatterbrainedness (where in the heck ARE those keys anyway??? did I leave the oven on or not?? oops, totally forgot to pay that bill!!) from her. I love that trait as well.  I tend to believe its an endearing quality, although the men in our lives might disagree as it oftentimes falls to them to keep us on track and our heads out of the clouds.

I am pretty sure she is enjoying the fact that I now have a little one of my own. One who, like I did at her age, won’t allow me to pee by myself, gets me up at all hours, can’t keep a pair of white lacy “church socks” clean to save her life and doesn’t really care to, and has both endearing and maddening quirks of her own. It’s so surreal and lovely to watch my daughter and my mother together. Hilarity often ensues. The latest was a rousing 42 games of Hi Ho Cheerio between the two of them on the living room floor, followed by some violent kung fu fighting using lace doilies as a form of nunchucks. That last one was just…I don’t even know. I mean how do you describe kung fu fighting with lace doilies anyway? Is that even possible? Hilarity I tell you.

My mom is not perfect I’m sure. But she is to me. I love you mom.

cough hack sputter

Its after midnight and my poor kid is laying in a bed in a hotel room coughing her sweet lil’ head off. Of course, I can’t get her to take a drink of water and so the blessed silence continues juuuuuuust long enough to get a good doze on, and then COUGH COUGH COUGH SPUTTER SPUTTER HACK. I feel bad for her, for both of us and our sad state of sleeplessness. But, there are way worse things and I was smart this time and passed out with her early (after paying $8 for an episode of Super Readers and Arthur) so at least I have 3 hours of solid sleep under my elastic waist pants. Win.

Sidenote: I feel a touch of sinus drainage mixed with a smidge of a sore throat and if I am sick just in time for vacation I will cry unabashedly.

Today has been exhausting and tomorrow will be more of the same. Worth it however, to visit my parents today and grandparents tomorrow, er, today. I always try to cram too much into one or two days. You’d think I’d learn huh?

Is it possible for your butt to be sore from bowling? Because I think mine is.

Oh wait a minute…I think its been a while since the last coughing fit…Dare I seize the opportunity and try to go back to sleep? CARPE DIEM!!! Or something.

hmmmm.

I want to write something here tonight for some weird reason, but I don’t know what. I can be so bizarre.

Tonight was nice. I met up with some dear friends and met a couple of super cool ladies for dinner and bowling. I have not been bowling in years and I’d forgotten how much I like it. I’m really bad at it but its so fun that no one cares.

Tomorrow kiddo and I will head to my family’s for the day, maybe two. And then next week I’ll work a couple of days and then head to the beach for a while!

There. I wrote something. I feel better now.

backasswards

I thought I was once a confident, secure, and driven person. What the hell happened to that girl?

I thought as you got older that confidence and self assurance tended to strengthen. That regrets faded. That you became more comfortable in your own skin. That you stopped squirming internally because you don’t like what you see in the mirror and feel about yourself.

I always knew I operated somewhat backwards.

i was just thinking this yesterday…

but it really did sound awful in my head so I didn’t say it out loud…but really…so true…for me anyway…

Mother’s Day Is The One Day I Don’t Want To Be A Mother

techy princess

Kiddo conducting Very Important Princess Business

dot dot dot

• I have decided that the narrator’s voice on House Hunters International is hypnotizing/soothing and that she should be one of the options on my Relax and Sleep app. She’d be my first choice of sounds to fall asleep to, right after the chanting monks. Who should I contact about this?

• I’m in that pre-vacation fog that I get into a couple of weeks before we go to the beach. I can’t concentrate (what’s new there?) and am just getting really excited about several days of ocean time.

• Kiddo stuff: Tomorrow is her last dance class. Sad but hello free Saturdays for a while. And she has been asking to get her ears pierced for two days. About the ear thing….I always said I’d never do it until she could ask for it herself (meaning I think piercing a baby’s ears is a bit much since that’s a decision they didn’t make). But come on, I honestly didn’t expect her to ask until she was 9 or 10! Next she’ll be wanting a tattoo. Like mother, like daughter.

• Our house is a complete train wreck right now. The laundry…ohmahgoodness, the laundry. I’d post a pic but my mother would die of embarrassment. Its like Mount Everest on the couch and is spilling over onto the coffee table and floor. I’m a crappy housekeeper anyway but even I think its time for a major housecleaning day. Which I think The Accountant and I have deemed will be tomorrow.  Yay Saturday fun.

• In other Life in Suburbia news, our ridiculously massive lawn mower is in the repair shop and they can’t even look at it until next week. The lawn is looking much like the laundry pile, out of control. We’re having that taken care of tomorrow as well though. We live in squalor up in here. Ha. Hardly. I know how blessed I am and am very grateful.

• To that last point, while I am grateful and blessed, I sometimes resent being made to feel guilty for having nice things. The Accountant and I have worked very hard to get where we are today and neither of us came from privileged backgrounds by any stretch of the imagination. We have what we have via luck and hard work. I suppose that is a very Republican point of view but you know what? Sue me.

• Oh looky, it’s 2:10 am. Somehow I spent the hours of 9:30-1:00am on the floor in kiddo’s room. Again. My hips hate me. But I so love watching her sleep and falling asleep myself tends to happen.

• Bonne nuit!

bizarre day

I’ve been at the lowest low and the highest high today. So here’s an lolcat that made me snort. I think this guy is my snarky feline soul mate.

my day. for lack of a better title.

I’m up entirely too late but that seems to be my pattern lately. I fell asleep on kiddo’s floor for an hour or so earlier but it doesn’t feel like I got any snoozage at all. And, hello sore hips.

Let’s see…what happened today besides the torturous beeping…which finally stopped by the way. I think there is some button you have to push on some contraption in that mysterious room to make it stop. I need to figure that out stat. A new project at work is coming up that I hope I can rock the socks off of. I sometimes find it hard to get motivated to make concrete progress on things at el jobbo. I’ve analyzed this (come on, you knew I would) and I’m pretty certain its because I’m afraid I’ll suck at it and fail miserably. Which is illogical because I’m not prone to failing miserably anywhere but in my head. Generally speaking. Ok, 70% of the time.

Speaking of analyzing…therapy session #3 will happen tomorrow. I kind of dread it because I am predicting a cryfest of epic proportions. And various person’s ears may fall off from all of the burning. I’m still on the fence about the whole therapy thing but am going to give it an honest shot. Its just so odd to me. An odd experience. I have to trust this stranger with my deepest darkest secrets and hope that she doesn’t judge me or write a tell-all book and make a zillion dollars off of the fascination which is my life. (Snark people, that was snark) So I don’t know if this is a long term thing or what at this point. I think I will put off all weighty decisions until after my zen time at the beach since I plan on returning home full of clarity and sensibility. Ha.

I had a lovely lunch today with a sweet friend. We went to a fun local joint and then for a long walk in a favorite neighborhood. It was most pleasant, as time with this person never fails to be. It was also a welcome respite from the clutter in my head lately. There was talk of running together in the future, which whether or not comes to pass, its quite nice to think about. Especially when I outfit Sweet Friend with some of those 80s, er, I mean vintage, terrycloth wrist and headbands. I remember having a red, white and blue striped set of those myself back in the day. And now I’m just giggling because that visual is dang funny. Heh heh.

Sleepytime.

beep beep beeeeeeeeeeeeeep

There is an incessant beeping across the hall. It has been going for an hour now. I work in Hogwarts. I really do. There are all these mysterious labs with bizarre instruments and chemicals and fluids and god knows what all. Outside one door down the hall is a brick covered in aluminum foil that looks like its been there since the 80s. Why would you cover a brick with aluminum foil? There are people in white coats carrying bottles and tubes and using dry ice, which I’ve always found to be creepy anyway. There’s this one lady who goes into the beeping room quite often with a cart full of glass instruments and she’ll be in there singing/chanting in a language I don’t understand (so basically, anything besides English). Posters adorn the hallways with charts and symbols and long words, in English I presume but I still have no idea what they say. How did I get hired here again?

SOMEBODY STOP THE BEEPING!!!!

Hogwarts, yep.

proof I can dress like a girl

I wore a dress today.

Thought I should document it for posterity.

 

excuse me sir, why are you smelling that rug?

• My workplace is very culturally diverse and I consider myself an open-minded person. So I’m not sure why the first thought that came to me when I saw a man kneeling on a little rug in the elevator foyer was to wonder why on earth he was smelling the floor. No no Finn, he was kneeling on a prayer mat facing Mecca. Sometimes our brains remain stuck in little boxes regardless of where we are.
• There’s something comforting, if very suburban about the sound of the lawn sprinklers hitting the gutters at 5am on a summer morning.
• I’m wearing wedges today for the first time since The Foot Incident. I’m just so tired of wearing tennis shoes every day. They don’t exactly go with my work wardrobe, and wearing athletic shoes with skirts is Just.So.Wrong. But anyway, back to the wedges. I feel like I’m walking awkwardly. And I might have twisted my ankle on the good foot and nearly busted my butt on the walk from car to office. And I also might have scraped the top of the bad foot with the refrigerator door after putting my lunch inside. There will be a bruise. And soreness. More soreness. Flippin’ Fiddlesticks.
• I will jog/walk two measly little miles this afternoon if it kills me. Did you hear me foot and lungs and legs? It is happening.
• The vacation I am taking in 2 weeks was approved today and I got a stellar job evaluation. I win! And I like using the word “stellar”. Maybe because it reminds me of this. Minus the R.

monday

I’m going to kiss you tomorrow!

A couple of things I heard this weekend that have been pertinent and have stuck with me…this one from a wise friend’s tweet…”he who angers you, controls you”…and that oldie but goodie, “Living well is the best revenge.”

Peacing out.

 

i’m not gonna lie

 

Today blew chunks. And the weekend can’t be over fast enough. Given a choice, I’d sleep my way through it and the next three weeks and only wake up to go on vacation.

But instead I’ll have to settle for something nice and distracting to do for the weekend. Maybe a trip to Chattanooga or the zoo.

Good day, Bad day

Like Good Cop, Bad Cop. But not.

I can feel it coming on. My chest tightens, seizing up. Shallow breathing, head throbbing. I thought I had a good handle on the week. And then today something in my head reversed and I’m angry and eating entire packages of Chips Ahoy again. Hello fat ass and stupid brain. Tomorrow I’ll sell my 1/2 marathon bib to a stranger and then probably go cry in my car in a random parking lot somewhere while beating myself up for being so petty. But there will be a new voice in my head, that of my therapist telling me to stop devaluing my feelings, cease the self bashing because it isn’t helping me. She’ll be saying I should just acknowledge that I feel the way I do and to stop all the followup commentary that I tend to do. And in  my head I’ll argue with her that regardless of the wisdom of her words, that right now I’m gonna give myself two mental black eyes and a busted lip, and then go eat some cake. Got it?

But lets back up…good things have been going on as well. I’ve been consistent with my exercise/walking/jogging plan for about two weeks. My foot is feeling better (minus today and it being angry at me for bonding too much with the elliptical yesterday). Kiddo had the cutest parade at her school today and the two of us had so much fun together. A long vacation on the beach is coming up in three weeks. My grandmother’s health took an upswing. The Accountant and I will be doing a 5K together this summer. Tax season is over. Yay to good things.

Also, random observation and opinion…men, don’t wear skinny ties. Or run with your shirt tucked in. You look like dorks when you do that.

too tired to think of a title

• Easter was nice this year. Kiddo had a good one and got a nice Easter basket from the bunny dude. We didn’t have any family dinners or gatherings so munchkin and I went to the park for the day and had a nice time.
• Today started off good and then did a bit of a flying flop. I can’t seem to get it together. Its discouraging and I hate not liking myself and being weak and fearful. I’m also having a few side effects from the meds….constant tiredness no matter how much sleep I do or don’t get. And muscle twitching, I only notice it at night while in bed but different muscles all of a sudden do a jerk/twitch. Its not painful, just weird. I’m reading that both the exhaustion and twitching are side effects of the meds I’m on. Fun.  I go back to the doc in a couple of weeks and will mention this stuff.
• Bleh, I  had something else to talk about but am about to faceplant onto the keyboard so to bed I go.

Today….did NOT suck!

Ok, honestly today kind of did, but yesterday was good.

The  Accountant’s birthday was yesterday but we were too tired to celebrate much. Poor guy. Tax season is killing him and I’ve been immersed in federal grant land for weeks. But we have a sitter lined up for tomorrow night so we’ll do something in honor of his big day. Although, truth be told, I think we’d really prefer a nice long uninterrupted nap. Being an adult bites sometimes.

BIG NEWS PEOPLE…2 things actually…first and most importantly, I’m going to be an Auntie! My little brother and his wife are expecting their first! Kiddo will have a first cousin! I will have a niece or nephew and I will be the COOLEST, HIPPEST Auntie Finn EVER!

Secondly, I went to the foot doc again and…drum roll please…I am cleared to start some light jogging! I had prepared myself to be ready for him to tell me that I could start walking for exercise, so to hear the word “jogging” at all was unexpected and I thought I was going to cry for real. He even wrote me out a little exercise plan. I can’t run a marathon or anything but if all goes well, I should be 5k-ing it again in a few months. Except, get this…I’m scared to run/jog now. I’m so afraid I’ll re-injure it. I am never happy. But the plan is to go for short walks for the first week or two to get my road legs back and then I’ll bravely reenter the world of running. Me so happy! Oh wait, I just said I was never happy…How about “Me so bipolar”! (I’m not bipolar, that I know of btw, not that there’s anything wrong with that of course but just to clarify…ok, carry on.)

So as you can see, things are looking up and I am cautiously optimistic. I’m always tentative though (which is a shame) because I know that with one trigger I can crash again and be back in Depression-ville. One thing that bugs me is that I let external things control my brain when I should focus more on my internal self and the blessings that I have. All fodder for a future therapists I suppose. Speaking of that, I went and had an assessment/pre-therapy meeting last week and got referrals for a few to try out. I’ll take that step next week. And if you were wondering, the assessments I took said I was “extremely depressed and moderately anxious”, both of which need immediate treatment. Ha! Like we all didn’t know that. Shocker.

I’m  out.

today

has sucked.

two things happen when you go to bed at 8:30…

…you write your bizarro late night blog posts at the early hour of 12:30am and you analyze an art heist that happened 22 years ago.

Today/yesterday/whatever has been good and bad. Kiddo had her first Easter egg hunt ever today after church services and totally killed it. She was VERY serious about the egg hunting business. You would have thought she was searching for the secret of life out there on that playground, she was quite thorough. Heh. That’s my girl. Anything for the candy. Part of which mommy may or may not have eaten for dinner but that’s neither here nor there. You know, you think rock bottom is sitting in a random parking lot eating a box of Swiss Cake Rolls, all the while berating yourself for doing so, but then you find yourself tip-toeing into the kitchen after everyone is asleep and picking through your child’s Easter booty looking for Reeses Cups to eat in bed. And you realize, that maybe the parking lot Little Debbies episode isn’t so bad after all.

But about that stolen artwork…I had the opportunity to attend a swanky event at the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum a few days ago. It was quite beautiful and lovely, the perfect place for a fairytale wedding with a historic artsy theme, if you’re into that. But was interested me more was learning that the largest art heist in history happened here in 1990. You can read about it here, here and here. Go ahead I’ll wait, its really quite interesting in that film noir, art caper, whodunnit kind of way.

Art heists have always intrigued me as a romantic type of crime, if there is such a thing. Its also a very selfish one, as the thieves aren’t just stealing from the museum, they’re stealing from all of us. But still, you gotta hand it to them, you have to be pretty gutsy and creative to figure out how to breach museum security and walk out with famous paintings by the likes of Rembrandt and Degas. And then, what do you do with them? You can’t just unload them on eBay. Its the stuff of foreign films and fast European cars. It’s fascinating to me.

The Gardner museum has done a pretty cool thing and left the blank places on the walls where the artwork used to be. It’s a constant reminder of what happened and shows hope for their eventual return. Of course, I had to be a smarty pants and say to the guard on duty, “this didn’t happen on your watch did it”? He gave me a dirty look. Some people just don’t get my snark, art museum guards being just one of many.

You know what’s funny? That Easter candy gave me heartburn. I’m sensing a pattern.

3am

Just saying hi to the internets after being woken from a sound sleep for a kiddo cover check. Like ya do.

Ohmahgoodness…just remembered a dream I had…my 90 year old grandma was singing kareoke (a Heart song) at her church…so weird…

Carry on about your sleeping…

1:21 am heartburn

I have a kickin’ case of heartburn and can’t sleep. I woke up feeling like my tongue and throat were swelling up. Weird right? So I googled side effects of my new meds and fought back the urge to call 911. Seriously people, don’t try to self diagnose via the internet because it will scare the heck out of you. I decided to blame the mouth/tongue weirdness on the heartburn because I don’t feel like being seen by paramedics in my sock monkey pjs. Anyway, I finally found a bottle of Rolaids in the back of the medicine cabinet with an expiration of 2010 but I took some anyway. Desperate times and all. But as a night owl friend just told me “its tums/rolaids, not steak, you’ll be fine”. Thanks for that.

I should really do something productive during times like these. Cleaning my closet actually crossed my mind but I’m chalking that thought up to late night heartburn induced insanity and quickly grabbed the laptop instead. And here I am. Thrilling isn’t it?

Today was nice, a full day at home since my little jaunt up north. I worked quite a bit today and tonight even though it was my day off. I’m finding myself being pretty productive with the new MacBook work provided for me. Although I’m not sure being that connected to the office at all times is particularly healthy but sometimes you just gotta.  Kiddo really missed me and has been very clingy which I don’t mind because I missed her like crazy too.  She got out of bed for lame reasons at least 4 times before finally settling in to sleep. Her last brilliant attempt at stalling bedtime was because she just HAD to tell mommy that her “hair was crazy”.  Yep. That’s my child for sure. I brought her back an airport play-set from Boston, which she loves, particularly the airplane. I’m trying to prep her for her first flight ever next month. Ramble ramble ramble.

I have decided a couple of things. I guess I’m taking mental notes for my future therapist. Or maybe I’ll just show them this blog and/or my other writing where I’m a bit more crass.  Anyway, that’s not what I’ve decided. One thing is that I have issues with food. The other is that there are triggers to my moods. I suppose these are obvious but its not something I’ve actually written down or defined before. I’ll have to think about this some more later. For now, I think the 2010 Rolaids are helping a smidge and I can lay down again.

Dear Runkeeper,

Thank you for sending me this.

However, I am in fact, NOT “bored with my routine”, as you so helpfully suggested. You see, I no longer have a routine, unless you count lots of sleeping, cupcakes, and mentally tripping the senders of these relentless running emails as they walk down stairs.

So by all means, please, I insist, have a handful of Whoppers and some ironically named Rocky Road ice cream.This is called me, sharing my lunch with you.

And after that? Bite me.

(hugs)

Finn

Last night

Tomorrow is my last day in Boston. I really like this town but I’m ready to see my family. The time away has been good for me though, on both a personal level and career wise. I’m not quite as buried in mental mire as before. I guess a good description for how I’m feeling now is “resigned”. And about as attractive as a feed sack full of corn. That’s a step up from “severely depressed” right? Haha. I feel a bit of rambling coming on so I think I’ll nip that in the bud and go to bed. More rambles another time. Goodnight.

saturday, 3/24/12

You know you are fresh out of clever titles for posts when you resort to using the day of the week. Oh well.

If yesterday was all mine, today was definitely all kiddo’s. Morning bubble bath followed by dance class #3. Fabulous time, the kid is really into it. Then to the park across the street. Lunch. Nails painted hot pink with white polka dots. Meeting Cookie Monster at the grocery store (lamest Cookie Monster costume ever). Playtime at a new park we’d never been to before. Rain drove us home early for rowdy games of hide and seek, princesses and dollhouse. Humongous Dora puzzle completed with help from The Accountant. A little tv. Painting with daddy. Supper. Another bath. Scooby Doo. Bedtime.

I’m not feeling all that great. Constantly tired. Dull headache, chills, achy. Bleh. I’m hoping I’m not coming down with anything since I leave for Boston on Monday for a few days for a work trip. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed with all of that lately so maybe its just stress. We can blame most anything on stress right?

Sleep tight all.

the day

Today was nice.

We had our first parent-teacher conference ever. Who knew they do those for day care? Turns out, my kid is smart, sweet and socially adept. As if I didn’t already know that but its nice to hear it confirmed by an outside party.

Then I picked up The Mayor and we headed to lunch and a viewing of The Hunger Games. A good friend + good food + good movie = a good day.

I’m super tired tonight though and I’m not sure why. As much as I’ve been sleeping you’d think I’d be well rested but I sure don’t feel that way. Maybe its that aging thing.