The best intentions…
I meant to walk myself, or at least the dog when I got home from work but one thing led to another (read errands, homework, kid bedtime) and next thing I know I’m waking up next to Kiddo and it’s 3:00am. I can’t get back to sleep so I utilize this bizarre surge of energy and straighten the house a bit, try on my Stitch Fix clothes and send fashion show pics to a friend because that’s what we do when Stitch Fix comes in, try to figure out which adapter I need for the new Mac (yes!), comfort Kiddo who scared the pee outta me when she silently crept into the kitchen and interrupted my conversation with myself to ask if she can watch tv which of course she can NOT because its 3:30am by this time and kid needs to go back to bed so I can do my weird mom can’t sleep thing.
So now it’s 4:42am and I’m just gonna go get that walk in now.
The question of the day is why is it easier to be kind to others (to an extent, ha-ha) but more difficult to treat yourself as kindly? My therapist has used the example of comparing how I talk to my child vs. how I talk to myself. I can’t fault her point because I would never dream of speaking to my kid like I speak to myself in my mind. It would be verbal abuse to be quite honest because I say some really nasty, demeaning, horrible things to myself. Why?
I think when I look at my struggles with food and weight in the past months, the big picture comes down to simply not feeling like I am good enough to be worthy of treating myself well. We can beat ourselves up all day about eating crap food or skipping the gym and then moan about our weight or the jeans we can no longer fit into and why is this so hard, etc etc. But the overarching theme is that we don’t make healthy choices because we aren’t being nice to ourselves.
This is my new theory anyway. Maybe I just ate some bad tuna and am completely off base and delusional. But we’re going to go with it, at least for today. I’m just wondering if I can somehow re-frame this whole struggle into a story about being kind to Finn, and less about that specific box of Little Debbie’s I ate for lunch (yes I said “box”) or the miles I didn’t jog. I wonder if that change in mindset will help at all. I figure it can’t hurt, right?
I walked three miles this morning before work and that felt good; like I was being nice to me. Then I got on the scale after weeks of avoidance and that did NOT feel good so there we went with the beating myself up thing again. I am well aware that I have steadily been gaining weight over the past year and not eating healthily. There’s been an overall sense of just not caring anymore. Sure, there have been short spurts of trying to do better but they were attempts born of guilt and shame and definitely not because I was trying to be nicer to myself.
I’d like to begin again but this time with a different (and kinder) focus. If the weight comes off and I get healthier, that will be a bonus, but if I can be nicer to myself more often than not in my own mind, that will be some measure of winning.
Of course being kind to yourself encompasses much more than diet and exercise, but those seem to be tangible things more visibly measured. Trust me, I’m working on the other stuff, too.
I’ve started taking new routes to work in the mornings. As I am directionally challenged, I depend on my trusty phone with its magical mapping apps to show me the quickest, if not the shortest course while taking the horrendous rush hour traffic into account. My favorite route is almost double the mileage of the shortest (but most congested) way, but its faster and a million times more beautiful. I actually have to be careful to not get distracted by the scenery and gorgeous homes. There’s this one particular “neighborhood” that I’m going to stop and take a picture of one day, once the fall leaves show up. Some might say it looks very upper class Stepford, but I say its stunning. Beautiful homes nestled in the hills; all very idyllic and picturesque.
I’d have to be blind (and not driving a car in that case), not to notice the fantastic views, but I think I’m more attuned to them after reading an article I ran across in my meditation research (another post perhaps) that suggested some ideas on how to have a more “mindful” commute. Its a quick read that has stuck with me and that I’m finding useful. Being mindful of your surroundings, focusing on breathing etc, really noticing things, and trying not to stress about when you’ll get to your destination since that is mostly out of your control. That’s the gist anyway.
Speaking of beautiful things, I was reminiscing about Paris today. I miss it. I realized that I never shared any photos so I think I’ll start posting a few here and there, just to keep it interesting. I’ve included a couple of street scenes here. I love the architecture, among so many other things about that city.
As the famous person “Author Unknown” said…
Close your eyes and see the beauty.
Random…Here’s a photo I took of a llama…Or an alpaca…Some sort of camelid anyway. I think he/she is pretty cool…yep, so very random.
This blog y’all…I neglect it for long periods of time because I get confused about what to do with it…what I want it to be…how I want to frame things here. And then I think too much, get overwhelmed and ignore it. Because crazy person.
But I’m popping in tonight for what its worth. Here’s a mini update on the life of Finn…so many things…deep breath and here we go…I bailed on the 1/2 marathon for a few reasons…I have however, been conned into doing a 5k in a few weeks with the sis-in-law who is WAY out of my league but it will be fun anyway…I have recovered from Paris and am ready to go on another trip as long as it doesn’t involve Delta airlines…As a matter of fact, I have a trip to Orlando planned for February (on Southwest, thank you very much)…Not a city that I’ve ever wanted to go to but this is a freebie and I’ll be accompanying my mom on her first flight so I imagine it will be an adventure….no, we are not going to Disney…I’ve been at the “new” job for 7+ months now and am finding it to be challenging…interpret that as you will…Kiddo is doing great and is one of the brightest lights in my life…I will never say she is “my world” because that is a huge pet peeve of mine when mom’s say that…what? you don’t have any other identity or life outside of motherhood?…to each her own…The Accountant is good…working his tail off as usual and keeping me off the ledge as best he can, poor guy…I still engage in desperate battles to keep the depression at bay and I still suck at making the bed in the mornings and keeping up with the laundry…we are getting a swimming pool and construction begins in January…I do not know how to swim but I expect our popularity within the neighborhood to increase exponentially…I made the absolute worst batch of guacamole the other day and I think it is still sitting all forlorn in the fridge…I should probably throw it out at some point…the hamster is still alive and keeping me awake at night until I get up and move her into a far flung corner of the house and shut the door…I am getting another tattoo at some point…I have the itch for new ink…I remain the biggest fan of the ellipsis…
Whew, life y’all. Sometimes it gives me whiplash.
And I think I made that analogy because I have had the worst crick in my neck for two days now. The kind where your muscles are all tense and it gives you a headache and you wince when you turn your head so you basically walk around like a penguin and turn with your whole body.
I’m reading the best book. Z: A Novel of Zelda Fitzgerald by Therese Anne Fowler. The Jazz Age, F. Scott, New York City, great writing…what’s not to love? I think I’m going to give The Paris Wife a go next.
I gave up on Winter’s Tale because it was boring me to death. I know many people who cannot bear to finish a book once they’ve started it, no matter how much they dislike it. I am not one of those people. Life is too short to do things you hate; I feel the same way about reading books. There are too many books out there and not enough life time to read them all. I’m not wasting my time on ones I don’t like. You have 25% of a book to get me interested and decide whether or not to keep reading. I think that’s a generous effort on my part but if I’m not into it by then, back on the shelf you go.
I’m starting an online course in Modern Poetry in a couple of weeks and am pretty excited about it. This site, Coursera, is really great. There are courses on all kinds of topics and they are all free, completely legit, and taught by professors and professionals from universities and organizations all over the world. My workplace has courses on it, which is how I learned about it. Its a fabulous resource for those of us with a little bit (or a lot) of ADD in life who want to learn more about lots of things and expand the ol’ bean. I’m a fan.
We’re back from Paris and wow, what an adventure, learning experience, stress-filled, magical, amazing, and frustrating time it was. I definitely consider myself a more seasoned traveler after this trip! I’ll post more about it all later including some of my favorite photos.
My love for the city remains firmly intact and even deeper than before. As this was our second trip there, the newness was gone and it was nice to feel somewhat more connected to our surroundings, if that makes any sense. For instance, we were much more comfortable communicating with people and dealing with the language issues. The concern of getting lost was mostly non-existent; we took the metro everywhere and covered so much territory using public transportation that it made getting back into a car once we got home seem really strange. Sure, it still felt like we had a big “‘Murica” stamped on our foreheads but it was much easier to feel at ease and as if we could actually integrate and fit in with the flow of the city, given enough time.
Kiddo did great staying home with my mom but the little one missed us a ton and vice versa. She and I were attached at the hip more than usual today and you better believe that I enjoyed every cuddle. I have one more day off tomorrow, albeit a very busy one, before heading back to the day job on Tuesday.
So, sleepy time for me. Bonne nuit!