Crankypants McGhee

In addition to carrying over some irritability from yesterday afternoon, I also woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. This has made for unpleasantness all around and if I could crawl into a dark cave for days and have no one need anything from me or bother me, I would so do it. But sadly, reality doesn’t always match desire. I am just hopeful that this is simply the doings of that bitch of a scape goat, PMS, and not the beginning of a depressive cycle, which I call going into the Black. I will be cheering for the former…GO PMS GO!!!

It is an extra long weekend coming up when you add in my day off and the holiday. I find long weekends to be daunting sometimes. We have no plans really although I’m sure we’ll find something to do. Yet I can’t help but stress about how I’m going to entertain a four year old for three entire straight days? I suppose that makes me sound horrible. Motherhood overwhelms me so often. Tomorrow I will take her to day care and go for a run I think. Maybe that will clear my head a bit.

re-entry plus randoms

Tags

running, The Great Gatsby

Back to work today after what feels like a zillion days off. Productivity was negligible but I considered it a win that I even got there on time. Its the little things sometimes. My brain is all over the place which has never been unusual but it’s especially bad here lately. I’ll do better tomorrow. Honest.

I got up early and ran this morning. So there is that. Morning workouts alleviate guilt. So sez I. Will I do it again? Maybe. I’m not big on commitment when it comes to these things so we’ll see.

Hubs got a new-to-him ride yesterday. I call it his “fancy pants” car. It suits him and I can’t really explain why. I do know that the fancy pants car is way smarter than me.

Oh, I went and saw The Great Gatsby a few days ago. I read the book years ago and hated it. I don’t remember why I hated it exactly, it was just boring and pointless or somehow otherwise unfulfilling. But the movie captivated me and now I want to read the book again to see if I passed unfair judgement on it. The costumes, the scenery, the cars, the colors, the everything about it was glorious. Plus Leo and Toby? Cuuuuuties. It made me want to have lived in New York in the 1920s. Minus all the angsty love stricken drama.

And now it is 9:36pm and I must go walk the dog. Goodnight.

St. George Island fun

Tags

beach, family vacation, St. George Island

A few of my favorite photos from last week’s vacation.

Hi blog

Tags

beach, Florida, St. George Island

I’m still around, just busy with various and sundry. I feel like I am not consistent with anything except being inconsistent. Does that count for anything? I’m guessing not.

We just returned from our annual family vacation. This time we shook things up a bit and headed to St. George Island, FL instead of our usual Panama City. It was LOVELY. I do think we will go back there in years to come. Kiddo loved it as well, although she made a funny comment on the way home and announced that she wanted to go to Africa for vacation next year. I do hope she inherited a bit of my wanderlust and takes any opportunities she can to exercise it.

I’m off work until Wednesday so the extra few days to reenter “real life” will be nice.

Ciao for now.

roadtrippin’

Tags

Cincinnati, Lenny Kravitz, roadtrip

I’m super lucky to have some fabulous friends. This weekend I drove to Cincinnati to meet Nora for a mini weekend getaway. We got a room close to the University and vegged out and had girly time. We ate a lot of junk and laughed a ton.

Sometimes a girl’s just gotta get away.

And in keeping with my theme of bursting into uncannily appropriate song lyrics depending on what was just mentioned in conversation over the weekend…here’s some Lenny for ya.

Click the link for audio.

Lenny Kravitz – Fly Away

I wish that I could fly
Into the sky
So very high
Just like a dragonfly

I’d fly above the trees
Over the seas in all degrees
To anywhere I please

Oh I want to get away
I want to fly away
Yeah yeah yeah

Oh I want to get away
I want to fly away
Yeah yeah yeah

Let’s go and see the stars
The milky way or even Mars
Where it could just be ours

Let’s fade into the sun
Let your spirit fly
Where we are one
Just for a little fun
Oh oh oh yeah !

I want to get away
I want to fly away
Yeah yeah yeah

my next post will be happy, I promise

Tags

antidepressants, depression, motherhood

A dear friend sent this article to me and I wanted to share. I cried and sniffled through it because that’s how I roll. But more than just tear-inducing, I found it to be succinct,  powerful, and more than a little refreshing.

Finding God in a Little White Pill

It occurred to me that I’ve been posting a lot about depression and sadness and yada yada lately. I don’t mean for this blog to turn into a mental health thing but I just post what I feel like whenever I feel like it and I’ve been feeling a lot of bleh lately, so it is what it is. I also don’t want this place to be all “mommy blog” or all one thing or that thing. Kind of like myself, come to think of it. I want Finnspace to reflect….me. The parts of me I wanted reflected here, that is. Now my brain is all like shut up Finn, you’re rambling.

That is all.

check your ambition at the door

Tags

antidepressants, medication side effects

So, I’m like the poster child for testing new antidepressants. Bah. I went to the doctor today about some issues with my current ones so we are switching again. Bah. It’s not as bad as it sounds I guess. This is only my 4th kind over many years. That’s not too awful right? Bah.

Do you read those informational papers that come with all medications? You know the ones that list all the possible side effects. Its kind of like trying to diagnose yourself using the internet. Have a scratch on your knee that won’t stop itching? Get thee to a physician STAT for amputation at the hip. Rash on your chest? Your boobs will drop straight off within days. Right eye twitching? Prepare for impending blindness. It will scare the everlovin’ daylights out of you. But today, for some reason I happened to look.

And just in case you get too big for your britches…

Noted. Placing the world domination plans back into the drawer.

shrinkage…

Tags

couseling, psychiatrist, psychology, therapy

me, today

…of the head. Therapy of the mental sort continues once or twice a month. I just got back from today’s session. I started about a year ago this April. It has been both helpful and confusing and disturbing and unsettling and amazing. The benefits and enlightenment that comes from being able to talk to a neutral party about anything without fear of judgement, being the subject of gossip, or getting the stink-eye is quite profound. Or can be if you have a good therapist. Otherwise I can see how it would just be really awkward and weird.

I wasn’t convinced at first and I was my shy closed-off self for the first few sessions. I assume that’s perfectly normal and I needed convincing that this stranger wasn’t going to sell my juicy life story (shut up) to the tabloids and ruin me forever. I needed time to build trust. Now Dr. B probably wishes I’d shut up and stop cursing.

Oh, just remembered that I have chocolate pudding in my lunch box cooler contraption….#brightshinything

Now, back to the happenings in my brain. Therapy has been helpful in various aspects of my life and the root of some confusion in others. At the beginning, and in part due to my naturally cynical nature, I had reoccurring thoughts that it was possible that therapy could be creating problems that weren’t there or mental angst that was unnecessary. Ignorance is bliss right? I don’t believe that any longer but I can see how someone could have that “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” mentality.

It’s scary as hell too, but in that freeing way when you have had a burden lifted off your mind by simply telling someone else about it. Someone who gives you feedback and makes you see things in a different light than perhaps you ever did before. It’s also scary because its so raw. A spotlight is cast and the cause and effect of past events and people in your life becomes evident. And you can choose to either deal with the results of those things or not. There are no right or wrong answers I suppose, only observations.

As I’ve alluded to in my not-so-subtle way, therapy isn’t always fun. To be honest, I usually leave with a headache from thinking so hard and some of the things we discuss are quite stressful. I call them my “therapy headaches”. Sometimes there are tears, sometimes there is frustration, sometimes anger. The really juicy sessions are when all three of those happen at once. Woooo-boy.

Therapy has helped me to actually see myself clearer. As if I’m standing afar off and looking at myself from the outside. Sometimes I like what I see, but more often I don’t. That makes me sad. That gives me pause. And I’m working on it but dammit, it’s hard.

Shrinking of the head may not be for everyone but for me, for right now, it is helping me see things I’d otherwise miss. And so, onward.

A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

- Joey Adams

Thanks for reading.

Finn

fatty fatty loco natty

Tags

Cincinnati, eating, fat, food, friends, Little Debbie's, road trip, running

I ran today – yay. I also ate an entire box of Little Debbie honey buns, two hotdogs, and four pieces of Valentine’s chocolates (thanks mom and dad) – boo. Its the week before a certain time of the month (like you want to know that), and I will inhale all things bad for me in scary mass quantities. Its disgusting. Why not make yourself as miserable as possible I say. Whatever.

I know “they” say you shouldn’t wish your life away but dang, I’m so ready for this week to be over. I’m heading to Cincinnati on Friday morning to meet up with a girlfriend for a weekend getaway. There will be food and sleeping in and going out and not answering to anyone and not being needed for anything by man or beast. In other words, heaven.

To bed now. I have the best of intentions of getting up early to get a run in. And not to eat my weight in snack cakes. But you know what “they” also say about good intentions. Pathways to hell and all of that. Sweet dreams.

winning at sick days

Kiddo has a stomach bug so today was a sick day.

I just wrote a post to go with this picture about the patience and nurturing of mothers being given out in different size containers and how I only got an 8 oz Mason jar, while others got big ol’ five gallon plastic buckets full of the stuff. And then I decided it was a dumb post so I deleted it.

It hasn’t been a bad day overall except for kiddo’s sickly episodes that came and went sporadically. And she only had two meltdowns and I only had one. I win. The day ended with a sleepy sigh and a mumbled “Mommy, I love cuddling with you.”

We both win.

I should never cook. Or watch Barbie movies.

That breakfast recipe? It did not end well. I’m going to assume the eggs were bad. And that’s all I want to say about that.

Date night didn’t happen, due to the egg episode. Kiddo and I watched a Barbie/PopStar movie instead. I don’t really want to talk about that either. The kidster was being exceptionally sweet and goofy though, and we laughed a lot. #brightside

Nailed it.

“homesickness is just a state of mind for me. i’m always missing someone or someplace or something, i’m always trying to get back to some imaginary somewhere. my life has been one long longing.”
― Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

various things in the morning

What is up with my pants lately? It seems like all of a sudden they are all about a 1/2 inch too short. It looks ridiculous. Can 30-somethings have growth spurts in the upward direction? I know all about the outward growth spurts so maybe that’s the cause of this phenomenon with my britches. Screw it. Yoga pants for the win.

I started running again. Yes, again. For the gazillionth time. I swear I cannot be consistent with anything except being IN-consistent. But as usual, it feels good so I can’t knock that. Local 5K in March yo. Women’s 1/2 Mary in September.

I have now reached a point in my life where I have a mobile dog groomer come to my house to bathe the pooch. This is new territory and I feel a bit spoiled and a little frou-frou doing it but do you know what a pain it is to get a hyper 90 lb Lab into a Honda Element, out into a busy parking lot and into the back of the grooming place we usually go to?

I’m trying a new breakfast recipe this morning that I got off an app on my phone. Its almost done and I’ll post it later if it turns out ok. This will not help my pants shortening issue I’m sure. Which is why I’m wearing flannal jammies at the moment.

our weekend in collage

Snow.
Valentine making.
Cupcakes.

Valentine’s Day. Quit yer whining.

Tags

hallmark holiday, Valentine's day

Today kiddo and I made Valentines and then I attempted to get her to nap. No dice. So we went to the grocery store instead and got Super Bowl food (just an excuse to buy junk) and stuff to make Valentine cupcakes tomorrow. Should be fun. And messy. And yummy.

I’m not a Valentine’s Day hater, like many. Of course, these days most every holiday is centered around the offspring but even when it wasn’t, I still didn’t mind Valentine’s Day.

So you’re single? Cry me a river. We all were at one time. All the cheesy love crap make you feel bad about yourself and not -so-secretly jealous? Girl please. As a married chick with a kid, I’m jealous of your free time, your ability to sleep in, the fact that you can come and go as you please, the silence you can enjoy if you want to, etc etc. So lets just call it even on the jealousy thing shall we?

Feel its society pressuring you and your significant other to be romantic? If you’re that sensitive and gullible maybe you NEED a box of creme filled chocolates and some flowers to chill the heck out. Stressed about commercialization of love? Use handmade cards, bake something, just say I love you, be creative and personal. Or don’t. What’s the equivalent of a scrooge at Christmas? Be that guy/girl.

Is it a “Hallmark Holiday”? You bet your sweet bippy it is. Big deal. Celebrate it, hate it, be apathetic or ambivalent towards it. What I’m trying to say is…and it’s rather cliche…don’t get your Hello Kitty panties in a big wad about it. Besides, single or attached, everyone gets to enjoy the 50% candy sales the next day. We all win in the end.

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Tags

conflict, depression, journalling

I just read this in my journal and it made me cry.

Its like I need someone’s permission to be happy…someone’s blessing of sorts. Its so weird. And it makes me angry. Why am I hinging my own happiness on others? Why can’t I make my own way, make my OWN happiness? Is it because I’m a kind person who puts others before myself in all things? Am I TOO caring? Why can’t I tell people to just f*ck off so I can f*cking LIVE, so I can f*cking BREATHE?!?!

Today I…

• Controlled my snark and took the high road.
• Wore Elvis guitar earrings.
• Got up early to work out.
• Called 911 for a coworker.
• Had a really good meeting that made me feel positive.
• Set up a lunch date with a friend at a fancy restaurant.
• Did not have that red velvet cupcake.
• Did have a cinnamon and brown sugar mini bagel.
• Wore boots that hurt my feet.
• Made a superhero cape for kiddo with a towel and a rubber band.
• Am going to bed early.

Thank God for Rocks, Butts, and Dora the Explorer

I found this post in my Drafts and am not sure why I never posted it. It made me laugh tonight so I’m sharing.

The scene:
Kiddo’s bedroom just before sleepy time. Kiddo is in bed and mommy is sitting on the floor beside her. They are playing “The Thankful Game” in which each tells the other three different things they are thankful for.

Mommy: I’ll go first. I am sooooo very thankful for my sweet sweet Kiddo, she is what I am the MOST thankful for in the whole world!

(Kiddo leans over and gives mommy a huge smile, hug, and kiss)

Kiddo: Hmmmm. I’m “tankful” forrrrrrrrr….. (taps finger on chin and looks down at mommy with a sly smile.)

Mommy waits with bated breath and pounding heart, anticipating a sweet, precious, and somewhat cheesy moment of mommy/ daughter bonding and togetherness that she will scrapbook and write about in kiddo’s baby book, if she can find it, and in the morning she’ll get to tell kiddo’s daddy all about how cute it was, and it will be a PRECIOUS MEMORY FOREVER AND EVER!!!!

Kiddo: I’m “tankful” for…..Miss Claire’s ROCKS’SELECTION!!!

Mommy visibly deflates. Kid is thankful for her preschool teacher’s rock collection over her own mother! What the heck?  And how am I supposed to scrapbook THAT???

Mommy: Well, that’s very nice sweetheart and I’m sure Miss Claire’s rock collection is great, geologically speaking and all, but how about you tell me another thing you’re thankful for?

Kiddo: I KNOW!!! MY BUTT!!!!!! AND DORA THE  ‘SPLORER!!!

Mommy: Conceding defeat at the hands of Dora’s rocky butt.

Mommy: Well, those are very interesting things to be thankful for honey. I mean, our bottoms are very useful to sit on and shake when we’re dancing to The Fresh Beat Band. And Dora is a very smart, yet delusional little girl with a talking backpack and a primate for a best friend. You could do worse for role models I suppose.

trumping tiffany’s

Better than Tiffany’s

So, today….the first day of 2013. Quiet day with kiddo and The Accountant, for the most part. I got a nice run/walk in this morning before the rain, kiddo and I went to Target for miscellany and then to Jersey Mike’s for sandwiches. I went to a movie by myself. The movie was pretty bad but the alone time was quite nice. The Accountant watched fiscal cliff drama on C-Span while kiddo and I watched Max and Ruby. I imagine both were equally as enthralling.

Sidenote from my recap…It was the cutest thing when I got home…kiddo meets me at the door all excited and wants me to come into my closet because she has something “very exciting” to show me. She had made shoe string jewelry for me with a craft kit I’d picked up for a rainy day. She said she made them just for me because “you don’t have any jewelry” and that I could wear one to work tomorrow if I wanted to, which of course I will do so like they are bracelets from Tiffany’s. She was SO proud and I got all teary eyed. That kid can melt me.

I hope everyone had a lovely first day of the new year. It’s back to work for me tomorrow (er, today) after a long holiday. The post-Christmas blues have taken a firm hold, so I’m not too thrilled about the prospect of returning to reality. I think that’s why I’m up at 1:45am eating kiddos cheddar goldfish. Goldfish are good for stalling. Or something.

Goodnight.

this is not a cheesy post about 2013

Tags

contentment, fulfillment, happiness, happy new year, hope, resolutions, searching

because i hate cheesy posts about past year reflections, looking ahead, yada yada yada. and yet, i feel compelled to say something in that vein. i got out one of my many journals tonight and couldn’t bear to look at past entries as i didn’t want to taint 2013 with tired and old negativity. i am one of those diary-keepers who tend to pick up pen and paper and vent to the universe when things are not going well, when i’m depressed, sad, or otherwise in a bad way. thus i have destroyed many a journal full of pissing and moaning.

instead i didn’t think too much about it, i jotted down things as they came to mind. a brainstorm of intentions for the future, if you will. so here we go.

learn to relax, be healthy, be happy, have fun, live my OWN life, care less about what people think, be my own person, do my best in all things, write more, bitch less, try to find contentment and fulfillment, try new things, fear less, do more, love yourself, know that you are worth it, remember that “life is short, and the world is wide” (Simon Raven), travel at every chance you get, discover YOU.

this list scares me but i have good intentions and a good heart. i know i do.

Mommy Gets a Makeover

stupid brain

Tags

antidepressants, depression

So “they” say that a person’s truer personality comes out when they’re drunk/drinking. I agree with that to an extent in that a person’s inhibitions are tossed aside and you might be more outwardly honest (and stupid) in many ways. With that in mind, today I wondered about meds, antidepressants specifically. Am I more closely representing my “true self” while on meds, or while off? Does it matter? Is it an assistance or a crutch?

Sometimes it bothers me that I use medication to handle my depression. Without getting into the society is over medicated debate, why isn’t the un-medicated me good enough? Why do I need this assistance to keep my moods relatively stable and irrational emotions in check? Am I that messed up that I need synthetic brain altering? It would seem so. That thought alone is freaking depressing! Irony is a fickle beast.

i do stuff, i just don’t write about it

This blog and I haven’t been on speaking terms for about a month it would seem. Which is kind of nice in a way because it means I’ve been too busy actually living life to take time to write about it. Or, more likely it means that I am lazy. At the moment I am using this space as yet another means of procrastination for some work I’ve brought home for the past 2 weeks and still haven’t completed. Not cool people, not cool.

Thanksgiving was pretty rad. We escaped to the mountains for a few days and after a bit of a rocky beginning, ended up having a really fabulous time. It was great to be able to show kiddo the mountains and have her experience some new things. She is growing up so fast (and I hate it when people say that because its so cliche) and every day she is doing something funny and new and amazing. For all of my frustrations as a mom, boredom is definitely not one of them.

Just saw a commercial for BBQ popcorn that gave me pause. Gross.

My 37th birthday is coming up in a few days and since I’ve spent most of 2012 thinking that I would be turning 38, I should really be pleased that I’ve gained a year of youth due to my scatterbrainedness. I might post one of those navel gazing, reflective, deep thoughts, life progression, thinking about the meaning of it all birthday posts in honor of the big event. Or I might not. Options and choices, options and choices.

I just ate all of my kid’s cheddar goldfish. Oops.

Raspberry kisses

Fun Stuff

A Halloween 5K with my lil’ scarecrow…

And…

The Color Run!

Testy

I’m on a short fuse today for one reason or another. Its Sunday, so by this time every weekend I’ve responded to 20 gazillion calls of “mommy mommy” and my patience is taxed. I know that I am kiddo’s whole world at this stage in her life so I try to keep perspective and channel my inner Zen. Its just….eh, whatever.

Moving on.

People really don’t want you to question things do they? What they really want is for you to agree with them. What’s really meant is “sure, question all you want as long as your final conclusion is the same as mine, which is the one and only right way of thinking of course”. And ya know what, that’s fine if that’s how it is but lets call a spade a spade, just be honest and say so and don’t try to act like you’re pro free thinking because you are so not. Also, don’t tell me what my kid can and cannot wear on Halloween or who to vote for.

The End.